Grief

I know someone who is grieving now and so I took a couple of webpages and created this. Grief relates to almost any personal loss. It is not specific to death, divorce or loss of job. It can be the loss of a friendship or of a pet. This information is universal:

THE PHASES OF GRIEF

Many people refer to the "stages" or "phases" of grief. It may be helpful to be aware of these identified phases or common aspects of grief. It is also important to know there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You may go back and forth between phases, experience more than one at a time, or even skip one all together. All feelings are normal, even if they seem "crazy".

• Shock is the first stage of numbness, disbelief and unreality.
• Denial is thoughts or words such as, "I don't believe it -- It can't be!"
• Bargaining involves making promises such as, "I'll be so good if only I can awaken to find this hasn't happened" or "I'll do all the right things if only..."
• Guilt is a hard stage and difficult to deal with alone. This is a normal feeling characterized by statements such as, "It's my fault that... If only I had ... " done or said or thought something. Guilt may ultimately be resolved by understanding that all of us are human beings who give the best and worst of ourselves to others. What they do with what we give is their responsibility.
• Anger is another very difficult phase, but it is necessary in order to face reality and get beyond the loss. We all must heal in our own way and anger is a normal stage along the way. However, you may feel guilty because you are angry at the person who left or because one life is continuing and another is not or it's different. If you don't feel anger, don't manufacture it. Let it come naturally and use journals and talk to friends to express it. For example, if you are divorcing, don't become violent in front of your children.
• Depression may come and go and be different each time in length and/or intensity. Give yourself time to heal. If you need to cry let yourself. Have a good cry. Then move on with your day.
• Resignation means you finally believe the reality of your loss.
• Acceptance and Hope come when you finally understand that you will never be the same, but you can go on to have meaning and purpose in your life. You can be happy again. Life changes but it's not over because it's different.

FOUR "TASKS" OF GRIEF

Here are four steps toward surviving tragedy and loss:

• Tell the story: Talk about what has happened until it becomes real. Talk to caring family and friends, attend a support group, begin individual work with a mental health professional, and/or find a way to speak about the person you lost and how the loss has impacted your life and family. Tell the story until you don't need to tell it anymore. Chances are, you will be close to acceptance at that point.
• Express the Emotions: Grief is filled with conflicting tidal waves of emotion. Just when you think you've accepted a loss disbelief may sweep over you again. You may feel intense anger along with equally intense feelings of love and loss. Or, in the midst of crying about it a sense of unreality may surface again. No matter what the range of emotions, all are to be expected during grief. It is crucial to get the emotions outside of yourself. "Stuffed" feelings can build and build and become overwhelming. Scream, cry, write, journal, draw, punch a punching bag, tell an empathetic someone, take a walk, do SOMETHING to express what you feel.
• Make Meaning, from the Loss: Nothing can make what has happened "okay". Life is turned upside down and changed forever. However, you can determine that something good and reasonable will come out of the unreasonable tragedy that you are experiencing. At some point, you may be able to accept the reality that your loved one's entire life was not defined by his or her last decision - to leave you. Nothing can take away the good things the person accomplished. When you are ready, you may reach out to others with similar experiences... or work in some capacity to better the lives of others. There are many, many ways to make meaning from tragedy.
• Transition the Relationship: while missing the old "relationship", you will need to transform it into a different form. If it's a divorce, you'll change it into a friendship. If it was a death you'll change it into a nonphysical relationship. What can that relationship be now? For some, it is memories and love carried in our hearts. No one can take away our memories and, as long as we treasure those memories our time spent with them was not wasted. It made your life richer.

Follow Up on Abusive Nightmares . . .

April 11.2010

The following is a follow up on a letter regarding an assault . . . her original letter is here.

One year ago today and all I can think about is how much I hide and how stupid it is. I kinda don't know how to feel on one side its like I really need to stop hiding and get over it its been a year and on the other side its like I want to just curl up and not come out.

I know how that is. You wanting to move on and yet you can't. It shows insight on your part that you want to have it "over with", but things don't always work like that. You'll get better and you will recover, but it never entirely goes away. Just like any pain it will always be there, just getting smaller and smaller in the recesses of your mind, until you hardly think of it at all. It will happen. Have faith in that. Don't hide and stay in your house. You'll have to make an effort to socialize, but it will come. With time things will become easier. If you're in counseling it will accelerate your healing a great deal.

It's been a year. That's not a land mark or anything. It's just a fact. No one should be yelling at you to "be normal". After all, we are all different, so no one is "normal" anyway.

A part of me is saying its not now and a part of me is making me feel afraid I know that sounds completely stupid my head is telling me that just being that date again doesn't mean something is going to go wrong but at the same time its hard to ignore..

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way on the anniversary of it, but perhaps you should use this date every year to commemorate your survival. You could have died that day. Instead you lived and think of all the things in the past year that you would have missed out on. What would you friends and family have missed out on without you around?

Have a boyfriend now and he knows about it and he is really supportive if i get upset but I kinda feel like I'm a big disappointment I kinda feel like I annoy him all the time.

I think that's you feeling that way and you know it. You have to remember that you're a high valuable person to him or he wouldn't spend so much time on you. Don't you think?

He probably thinks you're one of the most amazing people he's ever met.

He is the sweetest guy anyone could ever know but I find myself thinking that one day he is going to wake up and realise he deserves so much better then my insecurities and at the same time I kinda feel selfish. I kinda do want to open up and let him share more but at the same time I don't but I'm kinda like just sitting in the one spot afraid to step forward but still stepping forward and afraid to let go.

These are all normal feelings to have. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem that way, but we all have uncertain times.

I know that the day will come he will lose his patience and he has shown so much just find myself stuck there in so many things.

The day will come? Are you sure of it? Are you trying to convince yourself that you don't deserve happiness?

Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm sabotaging it myself and not quite sure if its in my head or subconscious or what I just don't know.
Yup! I have this problem too. It's pretty common. When you feel like things are stable or under control, you will have constant doubts about how long it can possibly last. People who have had a troubled childhood or any kind of trauma will always feel this way and sometimes it goes away and sometimes not.

Don't doubt things. Don't underplay yourself. Let your head grow a little. You are wonderful. Aren't you? Admit it to yourself. You deserve to be happy and for once just enjoy it! Of course on the other hand when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Been talking with a very good online friend today kinda told him about it, I never knew that he kinda like already knew we talked a little about it and since then just talking there is nothing quite like just having some fun to make you forget for a bit. When I look at friends like this I can't help but wonder why I hold back so much, I do actually have lots of ppl around that are or would be very supportive I just don't let them in, instead I just run away, I am absolutely crazy its like everyday I feel different.

Very wise Dear. There isn't much reason to hold back. I've learned not to. Make lots and lots of friends online and in your life. They won't laugh at you. Why would they? We are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. I'm sure they have some. (You don't even have to give them a real name or city you live in. They don't need to know. After all, Xenina isn't my real name.) Anyway, I've found that the more friends you have the more support you get and the less devastated you are when you lose one.

If you do lose a friend, just try to move on and make a new one. There are a lot of wonderful people out there. Some are your age. Some are not. Most of them are just nice to talk to and are looking for friends too.

Love,

Xenina

The Last Night - Skillet

Long Question?

Have a long question? Click on COMMENT and leave me a note OR you can e-mail it to:

iAmXenina@gmail.com

Not Even Once

Abusive Nightmares

Dear Xenina,

My whole life has been within a small community, small school and very much church driven as far as the events/ hobbies and attended places were concerned. My life has always been highly protected.

Last April, I was shopping at the local shopping center with friends as we often did for something to do on the weekends. One this day, we parted at the same intersection we always did to head in the directions of our own homes, one street away from my home was grabbed by this guy, the details of such I don't really want to go into. I never said anything to anyone for two weeks when my mum was talking to me and I broke down about it. As you can imagine my mum was very concerned and tried to be very comforting, can't really say anything bad about that but I know that she was hurt that I never came to her when it happened. The whole thing had to be reported that was horrible, having to say every single detail.

Since then, I had to see a councilor, I never really shared that much with her don't know why just never wanted to talk. I don't go anymore, never really talk about it or nothing.
Nearly every night there is nightmares, I have found that if I drive myself to the point where I can't leave my eyes open there are no nightmares, so the amount of sleep I get is very little until absolute exhaustion.

I don't talk to my friends anymore, still joke around but never talk about anything that is going on, they know nothing about what happened, I don't go shopping anymore with them. Actually hate shopping with a passion now and will only go if forced and even then it has to be in and out or I kinda like freak out.

I never really knew how protected I really was until meeting people online and hearing stories and seeing how much I never knew but I now I have lost any feeling of security, I never feel safe even at home, hate people touching me, or looking at me (although at times I don't like that when looking ill).

I think that most stupid part is I don't even know what I could expect you to say, not sure if I even have an actual question. So yeah, not sure what to say now :S

My poor troubled girl,

I am very sorry that happened to you. I do want you to know that it is not uncommon to be raped.

1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be assaulted in their lifetime. Some more than once.

College women are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted.

Still, it is THE most horrible thing that someone can do to you. I've been physically beaten too and believe me I would rather be knocked out with a punch ANY day than to be sexually assaulted.

Your friends might not know why you're pulling away from them. Guys may not know why you don't flirt with them. You may feel a bit put off by all men for a while. That's totally normal. I also understand the nightmares, but yours sound especially traumatic. Anyway, I'm here to help. I will give you a list of things that you can do IMMEDIATELY that should help you:

1) Make more daily choices. It might sound silly, but the more choices you choose to make now (that are not in your normal behavior) the more empowered you will feel. Examples? Wear all black one day to give yourself a feeling of inner mourning. Wear red one day in homage to all the women who have survived rape just like you. (It doesn't have to mean anything to other people, only to you!) You've already make GREAT progress. You CHOSE to tell. You CHOSE to report. You didn't have to do that. You are a strong, powerful woman to do so. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it's true. Many women just go into depression and withdrawal and not talk about what happened. This is a mistake. It will eat at you. It's embarrassing. YES, but you need to understand that it's not your shame. The MORE people that you come to trust and tell about this inner secret the better you will feel. You CHOOSE who to tell. You CHOOSE who to trust. You must take some chances and LIVE more than you used to. You MUST be brave.

2) Choose who to tell. We all need support. We all need to talk to someone sometimes. Add me to your MSN: iAmXenina@gmail.com . . . You can talk to me anytime. I'm around half the day every day! You could even leave notes in the chatbox above to ask me questions anonymously. Talk as much as you need to. It's great to have me to talk to and ask questions of, but you also need local support. Find a Rape Crisis Center near you and if possible find a website or a forum where survivors talk about how they empower themselves and help to regain their sense of normality. They can help you enormously. MOST people that work at Rape Crisis Centers have been raped, so they understand you the best. However, all of these are secondary to a wonderful man, who understands you and your needs. He'll understand not to sneak up behind you (honestly I can't stand it when men do that!) and/or show you compassion by understanding your pain. Finding a good male friend or a compassionate boyfriend will help to restore your faith in men. Most men are wonderful caring creatures and rape upsets them a lot.

3) Talk to yourself. There is a saying "No one is as hard on your as yourself." It's true. You feel horrible. You feel weak and sad. . . . but that's NOT the real you. You are a strong independent person who has survived something difficult. Tell yourself that! Say it a lot. Talk out loud. Write in a journal about how great you are. Seek out people who are kind and honest and positive all the time.

4) Take it one day at a time and feel good every day. Every day that you aren't assaulted again is a "good day". When the day is done say to yourself, "That was a good day. Tomorrow will be even better." . . . no matter what happened that day. Write in your journal, "It was a good day." Think positive and make yourself positive.

5) Sleep. You have to sleep or your serotonin receptors won't work right. Basically, your brain starts to shut down without sleep and you'll start dreaming in the day time. Do WHATEVER it takes to feel safe at night. Leave all the lights on. Put on extra blankets. Sleep in a sleeping bag. Have someone you trust sleep in the room with you. Sleep with your Mom. . . . . whatever you need to do, but you need sleep. People will understand that you're still having trouble. Any woman will understand. (Well, they should.)

6) Exercise or take meds. You are not crazy in any way if you choose to find a sleeping medication to help you. Some people take Prozac temporarily. (I only suggest taking Prozac for 2 weeks or less, as long term use is not beneficial to your brain.) Some people reset their brains daily by going for a mile run. (Read up on this. Running and aerobic activity actually resets the chemicals in your brain and makes you feel better.) Some people use counseling. Some people just choose a friend to counsel them. Do what you need to feel less depressed or upset.

7) Keep upbeat. The better you make yourself feel during the day, the more you think about other things in a day, the more chances you take in your day and succeed in things the more those nightmares will fade. You'll feel better with time no matter how you live, but the pain won't ever disappear. It will always be a tiny piece of you. As time goes on it will become smaller and smaller and then hardly exist.

8) Keep in touch. You may have issues with people touching you, but you need to try and do it more often. Hug people and do it often. It increases serotonin and makes you happy too! Also, keep in touch with me or someone close to you about how you are doing EVERY day. If you have someone looking out for you, you'll look out for yourself more too. Please DO come back and post again soon though to let me know if any of these things helped.

I wish you the best.

Signed,

Xenina

Torn

Dear Xenina,

To cut a long story short I am torn between two woman. The first woman I am dating and is very attractive but we arent very emotionally involved (I think thats how she likes it).

The other I am just very good friends with but we have a great bond. We have both admitted that we like each other as more than friends but neither of us have done anything since shes just come out of a relationship she was deeply involved in . . and I have a girlfriend at the moment. However, she is also a lot further away from me than my girlfriend is. So my question is which should I choose? Should I stick with my current GF who is close or try a long distance with a girl i have a lot of feelings for and she returns them?

Torn (18 yrs old)

Alright Torn,

I'm going to tell you something I hardly ever advise. Do what's convenient at the moment. Are you going off to college or the army? If you have plans to be on the move and/or do something with your life at the moment, you need not worry about long term.

You're so young and vibrant. You have a lot to live for. Why should you be tied down to one or the other in any kind of commitment? If you want to continue to have a good relationship with your current girlfriend and enjoy it then do that. I would probably choose the second girl, but since she's so far away that would be a difficult relationship. Perhaps you could just keep her company and help her feel better about her break up.

One more note. Don't cheat if you have promised to be committed to someone.

People won't remember what you said, but they'll always remember how you made them feel.

Xenina

Don't know many girls. Trying real hard to hang on to a good girl.

Thanks for viewing, I don't know many girls and my social life doesn't really cross paths with many girls besides the ones I know. Been seeing the one with me now, and my situation left me knowing that just got to hold onto the best thing for you before it's not there no more. That's why when things don't all go well I still try because when it come's to good girls she definitely one hell of a good girl.

Note that she broke up with her ex of 4 years so I'm very laid back and just cruising just to give her space. Many people would tell me to just move on and wait for someone else, but realistically when I say my social life doesn't cross pathes with many girls I mean it, also there's a great girl in front of me I just want to keep trying til she tells me she has no interest. People tell me I'm so naive but sometimes people over complicate situations, if you keep it real and simple it probably go your way. Opinions please?

Opinion Seeker



Dear Opinion Seeker,

She's good. She's great, but that tells me absolutely nothing. Do you have a lot in common? How difficult was her previous relationship? Was she deeply in love with that guy? If so, you'll just be a rebound and you don't want to waste a series of months on a disaster like that.

Does she show interest in you? If she were a light bulb and you were a moth, would you hover around her so much that it would kill you? Are you already in love with her? (Yes. I know men fall in love quickly sometimes. It happens.) If you are already in love with her and she doesn't even know you, you might think about moving on. If you worship her, she will notice and it will actually dissuade her from dating you. No woman wants to be worshiped right off the bat. If they do it might work for a month or so, but then that relationship will dissolve.

Feel free to fill me in with more information.

Signed,
Xenina