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Follow Up on Abusive Nightmares . . .

April 11.2010

The following is a follow up on a letter regarding an assault . . . her original letter is here.

One year ago today and all I can think about is how much I hide and how stupid it is. I kinda don't know how to feel on one side its like I really need to stop hiding and get over it its been a year and on the other side its like I want to just curl up and not come out.
I know how that is. You wanting to move on and yet you can't. It shows insight on your part that you want to have it "over with", but things don't always work like that. You'll get better and you will recover, but it never entirely goes away. Just like any pain it will always be there, just getting smaller and smaller in the recesses of your mind, until you hardly think of it at all. It will happen. Have faith in that. Don't hide and stay in your house. You'll have to make an effort to socialize, but it will come. With time things will become easier. If you're in counseling it will accelerate your healing a great deal.

It's been a year. That's not a land mark or anything. It's just a fact. No one should be yelling at you to "be normal". After all, we are all different, so no one is "normal" anyway.

A part of me is saying its not now and a part of me is making me feel afraid I know that sounds completely stupid my head is telling me that just being that date again doesn't mean something is going to go wrong but at the same time its hard to ignore..
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way on the anniversary of it, but perhaps you should use this date every year to commemorate your survival. You could have died that day. Instead you lived and think of all the things in the past year that you would have missed out on. What would you friends and family have missed out on without you around?

Have a boyfriend now and he knows about it and he is really supportive if i get upset but I kinda feel like I'm a big disappointment I kinda feel like I annoy him all the time.
I think that's you feeling that way and you know it. You have to remember that you're a high valuable person to him or he wouldn't spend so much time on you. Don't you think?

He probably thinks you're one of the most amazing people he's ever met.

He is the sweetest guy anyone could ever know but I find myself thinking that one day he is going to wake up and realise he deserves so much better then my insecurities and at the same time I kinda feel selfish. I kinda do want to open up and let him share more but at the same time I don't but I'm kinda like just sitting in the one spot afraid to step forward but still stepping forward and afraid to let go.
These are all normal feelings to have. I'm sorry if it doesn't seem that way, but we all have uncertain times.

I know that the day will come he will lose his patience and he has shown so much just find myself stuck there in so many things.
The day will come? Are you sure of it? Are you trying to convince yourself that you don't deserve happiness?

Sometimes I'm wondering if I'm sabotaging it myself and not quite sure if its in my head or subconscious or what I just don't know.
Yup! I have this problem too. It's pretty common. When you feel like things are stable or under control, you will have constant doubts about how long it can possibly last. People who have had a troubled childhood or any kind of trauma will always feel this way and sometimes it goes away and sometimes not.

Don't doubt things. Don't underplay yourself. Let your head grow a little. You are wonderful. Aren't you? Admit it to yourself. You deserve to be happy and for once just enjoy it! Of course on the other hand when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

Been talking with a very good online friend today kinda told him about it, I never knew that he kinda like already knew we talked a little about it and since then just talking there is nothing quite like just having some fun to make you forget for a bit. When I look at friends like this I can't help but wonder why I hold back so much, I do actually have lots of ppl around that are or would be very supportive I just don't let them in, instead I just run away, I am absolutely crazy its like everyday I feel different.
Very wise Dear. There isn't much reason to hold back. I've learned not to. Make lots and lots of friends online and in your life. They won't laugh at you. Why would they? We are all trying to overcome our own obstacles. I'm sure they have some. (You don't even have to give them a real name or city you live in. They don't need to know. After all, Xenina isn't my real name.) Anyway, I've found that the more friends you have the more support you get and the less devastated you are when you lose one.

If you do lose a friend, just try to move on and make a new one. There are a lot of wonderful people out there. Some are your age. Some are not. Most of them are just nice to talk to and are looking for friends too.

Love,
Xenina

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