Dear Xenina,
Last April, I was shopping at the local shopping center with friends as we often did for something to do on the weekends. One this day, we parted at the same intersection we always did to head in the directions of our own homes, one street away from my home was grabbed by this guy, the details of such I don't really want to go into. I never said anything to anyone for two weeks when my mum was talking to me and I broke down about it. As you can imagine my mum was very concerned and tried to be very comforting, can't really say anything bad about that but I know that she was hurt that I never came to her when it happened. The whole thing had to be reported that was horrible, having to say every single detail.
Since then, I had to see a councilor, I never really shared that much with her don't know why just never wanted to talk. I don't go anymore, never really talk about it or nothing.
Nearly every night there is nightmares, I have found that if I drive myself to the point where I can't leave my eyes open there are no nightmares, so the amount of sleep I get is very little until absolute exhaustion.
I don't talk to my friends anymore, still joke around but never talk about anything that is going on, they know nothing about what happened, I don't go shopping anymore with them. Actually hate shopping with a passion now and will only go if forced and even then it has to be in and out or I kinda like freak out.
I never really knew how protected I really was until meeting people online and hearing stories and seeing how much I never knew but I now I have lost any feeling of security, I never feel safe even at home, hate people touching me, or looking at me (although at times I don't like that when looking ill).
I think that most stupid part is I don't even know what I could expect you to say, not sure if I even have an actual question. So yeah, not sure what to say now :S
My whole life has been within a small community, small school and very much church driven as far as the events/ hobbies and attended places were concerned. My life has always been highly protected.
Last April, I was shopping at the local shopping center with friends as we often did for something to do on the weekends. One this day, we parted at the same intersection we always did to head in the directions of our own homes, one street away from my home was grabbed by this guy, the details of such I don't really want to go into. I never said anything to anyone for two weeks when my mum was talking to me and I broke down about it. As you can imagine my mum was very concerned and tried to be very comforting, can't really say anything bad about that but I know that she was hurt that I never came to her when it happened. The whole thing had to be reported that was horrible, having to say every single detail.
Since then, I had to see a councilor, I never really shared that much with her don't know why just never wanted to talk. I don't go anymore, never really talk about it or nothing.
Nearly every night there is nightmares, I have found that if I drive myself to the point where I can't leave my eyes open there are no nightmares, so the amount of sleep I get is very little until absolute exhaustion.
I don't talk to my friends anymore, still joke around but never talk about anything that is going on, they know nothing about what happened, I don't go shopping anymore with them. Actually hate shopping with a passion now and will only go if forced and even then it has to be in and out or I kinda like freak out.
I never really knew how protected I really was until meeting people online and hearing stories and seeing how much I never knew but I now I have lost any feeling of security, I never feel safe even at home, hate people touching me, or looking at me (although at times I don't like that when looking ill).
I think that most stupid part is I don't even know what I could expect you to say, not sure if I even have an actual question. So yeah, not sure what to say now :S
My poor troubled girl,
I am very sorry that happened to you. I do want you to know that it is not uncommon to be raped.
1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be assaulted in their lifetime. Some more than once.
College women are 4 times more likely to be sexually assaulted.
Still, it is THE most horrible thing that someone can do to you. I've been physically beaten too and believe me I would rather be knocked out with a punch ANY day than to be sexually assaulted.
Your friends might not know why you're pulling away from them. Guys may not know why you don't flirt with them. You may feel a bit put off by all men for a while. That's totally normal. I also understand the nightmares, but yours sound especially traumatic. Anyway, I'm here to help. I will give you a list of things that you can do IMMEDIATELY that should help you:
1) Make more daily choices. It might sound silly, but the more choices you choose to make now (that are not in your normal behavior) the more empowered you will feel. Examples? Wear all black one day to give yourself a feeling of inner mourning. Wear red one day in homage to all the women who have survived rape just like you. (It doesn't have to mean anything to other people, only to you!) You've already make GREAT progress. You CHOSE to tell. You CHOSE to report. You didn't have to do that. You are a strong, powerful woman to do so. I know it doesn't feel that way, but it's true. Many women just go into depression and withdrawal and not talk about what happened. This is a mistake. It will eat at you. It's embarrassing. YES, but you need to understand that it's not your shame. The MORE people that you come to trust and tell about this inner secret the better you will feel. You CHOOSE who to tell. You CHOOSE who to trust. You must take some chances and LIVE more than you used to. You MUST be brave.
2) Choose who to tell. We all need support. We all need to talk to someone sometimes. You can email me any time: iAmXenina@gmail.com . . . It comes directly to my phone and I will reply as soon as I can. You could even leave notes in the chatbox above to ask me questions anonymously. Talk as much as you need to - to whoever you want to. It's great to have someone to talk to and ask questions of, but you also need local support. The National RAINN hotline is:
There you can find someone who is online NOW. There are also forums where survivors talk about how they empower themselves and help to regain their sense of normality. They can help you enormously. MOST people that work at Rape Crisis Centers (and RAINN) have been raped and that is why they want to help you. They understand you the best. However, it is also nice that you have a wonderful man, who understands you and your needs. He'll understand not to sneak up behind you (honestly I can't stand it when men do that!) and/or show you compassion by understanding your pain. Finding a good male friend or a compassionate boyfriend will help to restore your faith in men. Most men are wonderful caring creatures and rape upsets them a lot.
There you can find someone who is online NOW. There are also forums where survivors talk about how they empower themselves and help to regain their sense of normality. They can help you enormously. MOST people that work at Rape Crisis Centers (and RAINN) have been raped and that is why they want to help you. They understand you the best. However, it is also nice that you have a wonderful man, who understands you and your needs. He'll understand not to sneak up behind you (honestly I can't stand it when men do that!) and/or show you compassion by understanding your pain. Finding a good male friend or a compassionate boyfriend will help to restore your faith in men. Most men are wonderful caring creatures and rape upsets them a lot.
3) Talk to yourself. There is a saying "No one is as hard on your as yourself." It's true. You feel horrible. You feel weak and sad. . . . but that's NOT the real you. You are a strong independent person who has survived something difficult. Tell yourself that! Say it a lot. Talk out loud. Write in a journal about how great you are. Seek out people who are kind and honest and positive all the time.
4) Take it one day at a time and feel good every day. Every day that you aren't assaulted again is a "good day". When the day is done say to yourself, "That was a good day. Tomorrow will be even better." . . . no matter what happened that day. Write in your journal, "It was a good day." Think positive and make yourself positive.
5) Sleep. You have to sleep or your serotonin receptors won't work right. Basically, your brain starts to shut down without sleep and you'll start dreaming in the day time. Do WHATEVER it takes to feel safe at night. Leave all the lights on. Put on extra blankets. Sleep in a sleeping bag. Have someone you trust sleep in the room with you. Sleep with your Mom. . . . . whatever you need to do, but you need sleep. People will understand that you're still having trouble. Any woman will understand. (Well, they should.)
6) Exercise or take meds. You are not crazy in any way if you choose to find a sleeping medication to help you. Some people take Prozac temporarily. (I only suggest taking Prozac for 2 weeks or less, as long term use is not beneficial to your brain.) Some people reset their brains daily by going for a mile run. (Read up on this. Running and aerobic activity actually resets the chemicals in your brain and makes you feel better.) Some people use counseling. Some people just choose a friend to counsel them. Do what you need to feel less depressed or upset.
7) Keep upbeat. The better you make yourself feel during the day, the more you think about other things in your day, the more chances are you will take in your day as a positive thing. Volunteer for community projects, do fun things and succeed in things. The more you do that and the more you accomplish, the more those nightmares will fade. You'll feel better with time no matter how you live, but the pain won't ever disappear. It will always be a tiny piece of you. As time goes on it will become smaller and smaller and then hardly exist.
8) Keep in touch. You may have issues with people touching you, but you need to try and do it more often. Hug people and do it often. It increases serotonin and makes you happy too! Also, keep in touch with me or someone close to you about how you are doing EVERY day. If you have someone looking out for you, you'll look out for yourself more too. Please DO come back and post again soon though to let me know if any of these things helped.
I wish you the best.
Signed,
Xenina
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